January 22, 2009

  • Damaged Goods

    I really despise that phrase. Probably, because I identify so closely with it. Oh, that sounds so morose, I know. But, true. I've had this unshakable feeling for the last few years that I have screwed up everything. Beyond repair. I feel my friendships, my real, solid friends, confidants and kindred spirits, slipping away. Slipping away and I have neither the energy nor the ambition to bring them back.

    My constant need for change, no, for vicissitude, that constant state of regular change. My need for upheaval is in contrast to my need for roots. I think I had roots, once, in my adult life, not the roots of childhood. But roots based on personal decision and desire. Then I ripped those out, and as any gardener knows some plants don't recover from that.

    I read some of my subscribers and admire them; going back to school,  getting the right job, or God, even getting married. Everyone seems so confident about their future. I remember that feeling. A year ago I kind of had it, but "we shoulds" are not commitments, but pipe dreams, and real life has a funny way of pushing those to the background.

    I'm sort of left with the question; where do we* go from here?

    I really don't have an answer. I have a list of possibilities, but everyday that passes, I just seem to settle more into my malaise.

    Okay, enough of the pity party. I'm putting on The Arctic Monkeys and getting my head on straight.

    *We, being me, myself, and I  not the Royal "We" the Queen uses. Or as I jokingly refer to my diametrically opposed personal desires: my multiple personalities.

Comments (9)

  • i know the feeling.. but i also know that you so aren't damaged goods. for reals. you're awesome :)

  • Life isn't bliss, life is just this. it's living...

    Just because your blog friends seem confident doesn't mean they are...  Me, I got married...  It didn't change much, in fact because of the state of things it has sent my world into a tail spin.  I am not looking forward to figuring out our taxes...  married here, not married there.

    What I am trying to say is sometimes the blogs are very much about the "good" in our lives and we leave out the bad.  I haven't really Blogged in the raw in years.

    You're not the only one who wants change but can't break the pattern.  You are the only one (i know) that took the first step and for that.. you should be proud... your bravery is unmatched in my eyes.

    Me, I would rather be doing anything other than his dumbass boring job that doesn't really help anyone in a lasting manner... other than lining my bosses kids pockets with more money than I make in a year.

    Road trip!

  • People who aren't damaged are lying to themselves, which is a sign of damage. ;)

    I understand the constant need for change; it's the way I grew up (being a military brat and all).  Los Angeles, surprisingly, hasn't bored me yet. But I don't know if this is where I am going to be for the rest of my life.  My restlessness will kick in eventually, and I accept it.  I have never had roots. I feel sometimes sad thinking of it that way - but then I remember the experiences that most don't get to have and realize that it all wasn't so bad.

    I have no idea what I'm doing in my life.  I went to law school because I love learning about law.  Don't know if I'm going to be a lawyer.  President is always a fun dream to have - still something left over from when I was 6.  I expect you to be there when that comes about. :)

    So, where do we go from here?  I vote for Vegas.  After that - follow the flow.

  • It seems everywhere I turn lately, people are questioning their lives, relationships, and where they're headed. I don't know if it's a virus, an age thing, or just a phase. Self-doubt is normal for all of us, and it will surely pass in someone as competent as you.

  • We don't joke when WE refer to US....and neither should YOU  ( I really hope you got that

    I know it sounds cliche and maybe even a little trite but you'll get thru this and come out on the other side thinking "Damn I'm good!" Because you' ARE!
    I'll get better honey.....I promise.

  • Helloooooo!!! Repeatedly damaged goods here. I love that  you used one of my favorite words, next to mercurial... vicissitudes. :)

    I feel I'm at a crossroads. How about you?
    Also, are you on Facebook yet?  I haven't felt like coming out of this little Xanga hiatus yet, and I've been spending much of my time on FB. I didn't think the day would come when it would take over my Xanga time. But, here I am... Or, rather... there I am.
    Let me know, if you're on FB.

  • @aviran - @tabin - I'm seriously considering road tripping to LA (maybe April-ish)...so don't be surprised if you get a call or email saying "Wanna get coffee?"

  • @PunkDiva - Jennifer wants to leave town for her birthday... don't come around the 17th

  • Everyone seems so confident about their future. I remember that feeling

    I've always wanted to feel confident about my future, like in the movies, know what I want, go after it, get it = happy. It's never worked that way for me...life has always been one big question mark, and in many ways, I'm along for the ride.

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